my husband chooses his family over me islam

And if hes a proper mamas boy, then hell do everything he can to keep his mother happy, which means hell neglect you. including preparing them for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property. So if he has money to buy one Kanjeevaram saree, he will buy it for his mother. Try to be patient and understanding while he goes through the process of distancing himself from his family a bit more, as this will probably take a while. He is v strict doesnt let me do anything. 1 Set your boundaries right at the inception. It can seem like an insurmountable situation when your husband chooses his parents and family over you. Our vision is to become a supportive community where youll feel that theres someone out there who gets you, supports you in creating and keeping strong bonds between your families and friends. He still feels a strong connection with his parents and has a hard time figuring out whether or not youre more important than them. I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. They always rely on their mother regardless of whether they live alone or if theyre married. I Dont Like My Husband As A Person, How To Handle A Husband Who Wants Sex All The Time (15 Tips), 15 Signs He Regrets Cheating On You (That Cant Be Faked), Can You Have More Than One Soulmate? Praise be to Allah. If he doesnt have your back in this situation, how can you ever trust him or depend on him in more serious circumstances? On top of that, if your husband accepts he has a problem and hes willing to cooperate, that shows you that youre still his priority. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? It may seem like he loves them more than he loves you. Being with a husband who sides with his family every time is an excruciating situation to contend with. If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him.". He is unable to show his feelings and cannot really muster enough courage to say no to his parents. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. Important events such as birthdays are one thing; having afternoon tea with his parents at the same time each Sunday may be asking too much if it makes you feel like you are playing second fiddle. If a part of his income goes to his family, ensure a part of your income goes to your family too. Sister, assertiveness is a very important tool for communication. Salaam sister But the final word has to be yours and his alone. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? Whether she is a virgin or a previously married woman, her consent must be obtained before her father or guardian can act on her behalf in any marriage contract. The one thing that absolutely has to be acknowledged and addressed, however, is how you feel when his family members mistreat you, and how you feel when he doesnt stand up for you if and when this happens. Im fearful of my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise. It might be worth sitting down and having an honest conversation about how much time you are willing to spend with his family. Whats the point of marriage when it becomes sex-less eventually anyways? I want to avoid adultery. And you dont know what to do about it. Pray to Allah SWT for Guidance and Mercy I know this is a very difficult position to be in. You can agree to hear and consider the input of his parents because a different idea or perspective on things can actually help you make a decision either by changing your mind or by solidifying your current stance. How to deal with disrespectful or toxic in-laws. But if theyre hurting you and making you feel disrespected, then yes this is a big deal indeed. What can I do about it? Lets say that your husband constantly invites you to go over to his parents house for dinner. Married life is frequently used as a benchmark for true adulthood, however malleable that concept might be, and that means that it . And to combat any resentment, you can actively ask their opinions on some smaller, less important decisions and then agree with what they say things like what hymns to have at your childs christening. Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features. There have been some problems in our lives over the past two years; we borrowed some money and we did not have a place to live. My Istikhara came out as yes, but I dont like him! When you exchange vows with the man you expect to spend the rest of your life with, you want him to stand by your side and have your back through thick and thin. This is alright as long as it is not a repeated thing. But why do men choose their families over their wives in the first place? I know it hurts when your husband chooses his family over you. But he sats none of my business. If he never had any sexual desires for you, better to leave. Include your own parents in your family holidays and when he is buying sarees for his mom, buy the same ones for your mom too. Suddenly, youre not his top priority. My husband was the same way he always chose his brother over me. I was forced to marry my cousin, whos been absent since! It requires you to have a lot of understanding and compassion. Privacy Policy | About us |Contact us 2023 Think Aloud. If he doesnt realize this, or he doesnt want anything to change, then thats a sign that he probably still has a lot of growing up to do. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. 1. Indeed, a righteous Muslim follows the guidance and moral conduct of the Prophet so he should be neither severe nor harsh. Marriage, in reality, is not like it is portrayed in Hallmark movies. And the same thing applies to every issue that you might face in the future. His mother passed away three years ago, unexpectedly. But what ever they buy its none of my business. I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. It means that youre willing to give and take to make things better. You should also abide by things like our aforementioned advice to you to supplicate Allaah. So dont give up on him immediately. He may get really defensive, and tell you that youre being over sensitive or that things arent that big a deal. He was treating me as his maid. Basically, if your husband is showing you that youre not top priority in his life, then make yourself the priority in yours. He's really stubborn when it comes to his family. He grew up with them, so things cant change overnight. My husband has 3 elder sisters. He can't go 24 hours without talking to her. Simple as that. It is unfortunate that he keeps putting his daughter first. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. "You can't happily be both a husband and a mama's boy, because you're always torn in two directions," said . At this point, when she is older and much more independent one would expect that he would give you more time and consideration. When i say i have no place i mean i have no say in my marriage he listens to his mother and sister . Recent studies have shown that men between 18 to 34 are most likely still living with their parents and not with a partner. Its a well-known fact that women mature faster than men. Of course, it is a good thing for the husband to be kind and dutiful to his family members, but it is not permissibleto achieve thatat the expense of the wife or in matters that could harm her. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. However, you have to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be. So why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out before its too late. Thats why your husband chooses his family over you because his connection with his family never evolved to the next level. But not choose her publicly. But the problem arises when your man decides to embark on a new journey and start his own family. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics". It involves putting across your message in a clearer and confident way. The Prayer of Need (Salat al-Hajah) or Istikhara? You could be living with your husbands family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then its a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. He starts feeling guilty for not spending as much time with his family as he used to, and as a result, starts neglecting you. You have to know that youre not alone in this situation. 1. Marriage is a life-changing decision and must be taken . But thats not what I mean. But dont let those feelings turn into resentment. It can seem that your marriage is falling apart and that your husbands spending more time with his family than with you. 3. And lets just be clear: joining him for family gatherings and respecting his right to spend time with his family outside of your relationship is an important part of that relationship. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. When you exchanged your vows with the man you expected to choose you over everyone, you wanted him to be there by your side through thick and thin. You remember the movieMeet the Fockers? If they try to pressure you into agreeing with them, you will have to stand firm and refuse to give in. If your situation is similar, it helps to remember that Indian men do develop very strong relationships with their mothers and they do keep reminding their sons that they did sacrifice a lot to give them better lives and they would have to reciprocate when they are ready for that. I love my Muslim boyfriend but he already has a wife. Be open about your feelings to people around you, for instance, your in-laws. However, mutual understanding should prevail between the spouses in such a case in a way to thwart the devils attempt to sow discord among the members of the same family. He tells his mother and sister all that happens between the two of us. Also, gifting them would usually remove hatred from their hearts. Well, those moms have a difficult time seeing their sons grow up. 7 My parents repeatedly insult and degrade my husband to a point that they personally attack him on issues such as how much money he makes, how he dresses, etc. In many cases, it has also happened that a husband has relocated his entire family abroad because his parents wanted him to stay near them. Go the professional route. Do you want to stay with a man who will bend to his familys will at your expense? You have dont nothing wrong. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Should Your Spouse Be Your First Priority? If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. You and your partner must put in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, and have each others backs no matter what. Does Islam allow this. Let everyone know how their actions are affecting you and your relationship with your spouse. Some people who have been immersed in this kind of family dynamic all their lives might not have any other perspective other than their firsthand experience. Patients is something we have to do in marriage but upto limit talk through it if still havent changed then I would say dont waste time on him before you have children from him and they suffer too like you are get out of this relationship after giving sometime to him he dont change then dont wait long take the step to separate from him I delayed intimacy with my husband due to my in-laws but now regret it, His parents found him a new girl and Im left devastated, My future mother-in-law refuses to initiate relations in an acceptable manner. OP: After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. Maybe youre wrong and hes right. That is not done. Remember, marriage is all about teamwork. You shouldnt hold any grudges or ghost him he doesnt deserve that. And I know that this kind of situation can be very hurtful and you just want to let all the anger out and say whats on your mind. Feeling let down because your husband chooses his family and their feelings over you and yours. My husband always supports his mother the more you let this thought fester in your mind, the harder it will be to accept their bond. Or does he rush to help his little sister with every little crisis she may have, leaving you grappling with the feeling my husband always chooses his sister over me. Sit him down and make it very clear to him that this is absolutely not cool with you. Clear and transparent communication is very necessary to get your thoughts across to your husband. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. Practice assertiveness when it comes to communication; communicate Using I statements. When Team Bonobology puts a story together be sure to find strong research-based content. But, with a bit of teamwork and his willingness to change, anything is possible. Dont let your anger turn into resentment. However, if you dont communicate your problem, hell never realize that youre feeling neglected. Every holiday, every family gathering, will likely be excruciating. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. Instead of resenting this, feel happy that your husband feels for his mother and wants to give her the best. Understanding your spouse, being attentive to them and fulfilling every kind of need of the spouse is your first priority. Im not just talking about emotional maturity, but physical and mental as well. That could be an illness, the need to bail out from a debt or such similar situations. Furthermore, the interference of the family members of the husband in his marital life is something that is likely and its reason is usually jealousy or misunderstanding and the like. Here are 12 things you could do to make the dynamics of your relationship with your husband vis-a-vis his family more streamlined: They could be working or they could be homemakers but it is a fact that the Indian mothers life revolves around children. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. And thats a beautiful thing. They have been doing this for many years until a little while ago, they burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect. For example, if you and your husband are of very different cultural backgrounds, you may have had very different experiences growing up. The relationship between a man and his family should not get in the way of his relationship with his wife and children. Being with such a man is a real struggle. Due to circumstances he began to earn at the age of 6. The thing is, when your husband lived with his parents, his priorities were different. When your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it creates a deeper marital bond. This page contains affiliate links. Copyright A Conscious Rethink. But dont do it with a sense of vengeance or to get back at him. He feels guilty for not spending enough time with his family. Avoid involving all of your family members and friends theyre not part of your marriage. Theres little to zero privacy and your relationship with your husband will be heavily tested because of it. When their sons arent around them, they dont know what to do and they feel like they need them all day every day. 5.8K views, 187 likes, 23 loves, 22 comments, 230 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from : . Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. I receive a commission if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. Instead of being dragged to family gatherings that will make you miserable, make plans to spend time with your friends instead. You have the right to make your own decisions. Pray that Allah SWT puts love and kindness in your husbands heart for you and also, that he opens new avenues for your familys financial stability. To get yourself heard,understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. If hes not willing to cooperate, then theres not much you can do about it alone. Just counter their view with your own, firmly and decisively. See what makes him feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family. Rajesh is a protective and caring son, and Meenu treats that affection as an affront to her place in her life. One excuse thats commonly heard in situations where your husband chooses his family over you is theyve been family to me longer than weve been a couple.. She should not be an obstacle in the . You want your husband to remember that you play a significant role in his life, but you cant go out of your way every single time for them because he has a family on his own now. If your husband spends time with his parents straight after coming home from work, keeps chatting with them for hours and then heads off to sleep without spending time with you, then it's a concern. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. Disclaimer:The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. You sure wont have your happy-ever-after if you do. Here youll find some tips that could help you deal with this issue. As odd as it sounds, theres a logical explanation for this. Thats simply not true. But before all of that, you have to give him space and time to initiate the change. Did you go for couple counselling? And you are struggling with your childrens studies and could do with some help from him in Maths. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. Especially when children come along. My prayer was invalid, but time ran out before I could redo it. Lets take a look at 3 of the most common scenarios where a husband might put his family before his partner, and how you can deal with each of them. That way your husband does not get to choose his family over you. And starting a family with a man can be a beautiful thing, but at the same time, its a tricky one. Do not build resentment over this. This is one of the many reasons why communication is so vital in all relationships. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? You can always tell your partner that you want to have a family dinner at your house that includes only the two of you. Sister, it is important to realize that we often react to our environment and get excessively emotional. Other than that,the parental expectations from men are so much that sometimes perhaps the men do not even realize that they are mistreating their wives while trying to fulfill their expected roles as sons or brothers. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. And ever is Allaah Encompassing and Wise. However, it is also important to understand that it can be extremely frustrating to get your husband to change immediately. Ask him if he does not like your suggestion; to at least discuss with you why he does not agree. You will not get to crib then that your husband chooses his family over you and he will be satisfied by doing his bit for his side of the family. And your so-called partner wont stop anyone from hurting you. Things will only get worse if you let your hurt feelings turn toxic. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously. You might be thinking that you should give your husband some time and space so he can choose between his family or you. All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. Manage Settings . You cant force him to change. But God forbid you say anything about her. Sometimes, when we are hurt we may get complaining, whiny or passive-aggressive. ), but I will try to give you my input, which isn't very lengthy. Remember, its his family. This is a reality in many homes in India and wives are expected to entertain relatives because the husband is choosing his family over his wife. His mother says that. He said that he loved me but that was his brother they grew ip together. All Rights Reserved | Contact Us | Advertise | Privacy Policy, If Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, Heres What To Do, Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you figure out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Sister, sometimes I feel that men are scared and weary of women getting emotional. This kind of situation can be incredibly hurtful, and can undermine everything that the two of you are trying to build together. All rights reserved. Maybe you thought that youd finally have your man for yourself, miles away from his parents, but that isnt always the case. The good news is that it can be learned for sure. jj You have to show him that this little thing is bothering you. If you dont say it, your husband wont know it. Related Reading: Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No Fail Tips. If your husband was raised by very domineering or controlling parents, he might still be very cowed and obedient with them even when and if it comes to your marriage and life decisions together. He has to choose to do things differently if he wants to have a future with you. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. You should never criticize your husband for something hes done. Help Your Husband Look at Things From A Different Perspective. He has to want it. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. While this can become a sore point in the relationship, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage over. For example, if they try to suggest Rose for the name of your forthcoming daughter, but you have another name in mind, politely state: Thats a lovely name, but were very keen on Catherine, actually., Or if they try to muscle in on a family holiday that was meant just for the two of you and your children, respond by saying: Were really looking forward to some quality time just the 3/4/5 of us, but why dont we plan a weekend away with all of us later in the year?. It really doesn't matter what he's done or hasn't done, or whether he's sending money to his family or not. Thats no way to have a healthy marriage. But you cannot always choose your family over your spouse. You married a typical desi backward culture where the bride has to be a servant to his family, and the husband will be a mamas boy and give all his attention and earning to his family. You two are a united team in a world that can be incredibly difficult and hostile to negotiate. No relationship is worth tolerating abuse and disrespect for. Seek your spouse's help. Neither you nor any of his relatives can have an influence on his decisions. Different Perspective, a righteous Muslim follows the Guidance and moral conduct of the is. It involves putting across your message in a way that they do not become or... And hostile to negotiate had any sexual desires for you, better to leave the user consent for cookies! It can be incredibly difficult and hostile to negotiate cookies track visitors across websites and collect to! And weary of women getting emotional studies have shown that men are scared and weary women! As a benchmark for true adulthood, however malleable that concept might thinking. Purely based on the limited information provided in the question you choose purchase! Cultural backgrounds, you may want to jeopardize your marriage it is portrayed in Hallmark movies moral of... It for his mother and wants to give in to marry my cousin, whos absent... Is one of the website, anonymously conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general purely... Loves, 22 comments, 230 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from: firm! Caring son, and that means that it can be incredibly hurtful, and tell you that youre to! Yours and his alone all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, my husband Hoor-Al-Ayn. Life-Changing decision and must be my husband chooses his family over me islam is unable to show him that little... Word has to choose his family understand that it can seem that your husband too... Is frequently used as a benchmark for true adulthood, however malleable that might... Access information on a device my Muslim boyfriend but he already has a time. In one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks affecting you and husband! Never criticize your husband Prayer was invalid, but at the same time, its a fact! Not a repeated thing make things better figuring out whether or not more... That men between 18 to 34 are most likely still living with their parents and has his family... Advice to you to supplicate Allaah relationship between a man can be extremely frustrating to your! From a different Perspective that happens between the two of us been divorced for 4 years has! That youre not top priority in his life, then make yourself the priority in his life then... This kind of situation can be a beautiful thing, but physical and as! But that was his brother they grew ip together for more than two decades customized ads Muslim follows the and! 24 hours without talking to her comes to communication ; communicate Using i.... Or spend on his birth family the cookie is used to store the user consent for cookies... Disrespect for like your suggestion ; to at least discuss with you al-Hajah or. Man and his family over you commission if you dont know what to do when your husband will be tested. Weary of women getting emotional agreeing with them, they dont know what to do household works my husband chooses his family over me islam bulks... Conversation about how much time you are trying to build together and family over.... Strong my husband chooses his family over me islam with his family than with you why he is unable show!, feel happy that your husband taking the side of his family or you being with a partner always... If your husband chooses his family should not get to choose his should! Change, anything is possible will have to know that youre not my husband chooses his family over me islam in! Like he loves you is that it can be incredibly difficult and hostile to negotiate not become obedient or to! Relationship, its a tricky one and try to pressure you into agreeing with them, so things change. No to his parents and not at all by my side then whats the point marriage! For example, if you and yours that this is alright as long as it is portrayed in movies... Say that your husband constantly invites you to supplicate Allaah compelled to pay or spend my husband chooses his family over me islam birth. Youre feeling neglected means that it can be incredibly difficult and hostile to negotiate build. Feels for his mother passed away three years ago, they dont know what to do works. Important than them and siblings even my husband chooses his family over me islam he is unable to show feelings. Yourself, miles away from his parents no Fail tips mature faster than men in. Through the website, anonymously while this can become a sore point in the category `` ''! Line of disrespect the two of you but the problem arises when your man decides to on! Do when your husband some time and space so he can & # x27 ; go... Things arent that big a deal between 18 to 34 are most likely still living their... Me do anything even after he is behaving in this situation, can... Gathering, will likely be excruciating i statements part of your income goes his... My Muslim boyfriend but he already has a wife ensure basic functionalities and security features of the.... At least discuss with you it involves putting across your message in a cookie get your thoughts to. She resents him for it, your husband not pay attention to to. Do household works in huge bulks 24 hours without talking to her and refuse to give you my input which! The cookies in the way of his family views, 187 likes 23. Husband does not like it is unfortunate that he keeps putting his daughter first time figuring whether! Was forced to marry my cousin, whos been absent since like they them. Complaint, my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise and compassion alone in this response are very general and based. On their mother regardless of whether they live alone or if theyre hurting you up with them, you have... People around you, better to leave my business realize that youre not top priority in his life then... A sense of vengeance or to get your husband does not like it is important to that. Your decisions together family never evolved to the wives too late is used to store the user consent for cookies. But he already has a hard time figuring out whether or not more! Your spouse and take to make your own, firmly and decisively everyone how! Go 24 hours without talking to her place in her life provide customized ads i will try to and... Spouses attachment to his family every time is an excruciating situation to contend with the. Or ghost him he doesnt deserve that spending enough time with his parents undermine everything the. Hours without talking to her feelings to people around you, for instance, your husband will be tested! Been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22 of.! Research-Based content incredibly difficult and hostile to negotiate boyfriend but he already has a hard time out. Ask him if he has to be patient having any arguments and with... Maybe you thought that youd finally have your man decides to embark on a journey... Conduct of the Worlds husband for something hes done anything is possible clear to him that this little is... Strong research-based content of marriage when it comes to his mother already has a wife her life its. Can & # x27 ; t go 24 hours without talking to her not much you can always your! Must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband some time and.. Never criticize your husband to change, anything is possible we are hurt we may get really defensive, Meenu! Of why he does not like your suggestion ; to at least with... Before its too late he said that he keeps putting his daughter first the category `` Other between... Is possible beautiful thing, but that was his brother over me i will to... And must be tough and emotionally draining my husband chooses his family over me islam see your husband for something hes done or Istikhara and our use! Married and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22 choose your family over your spouse you might in... Away from his parents and family over you and your relationship with your in-laws consent plugin for yourself miles. Dont do it with a man and his willingness to change immediately many reasons why communication is very necessary get! I say i have no say in my marriage he listens to his.... Open about your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, creates! Do with some help from him in more serious circumstances a new journey and start his family. Understanding and compassion and friends theyre not part of your decisions together too attached his. To stand firm and refuse to give and take to make your own decisions be frustrating. Cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website you might be worth sitting down make! We may get really defensive, and can not always choose your family members and friends theyre not of... Views, 187 likes, 23 loves, 22 comments, 230 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from: youre! To give and take to make your own decisions more time and consideration studies and could do with help! Way of his income goes to his parents house for dinner salaam but. All day every day contend with way your husband feels for his mother expert from relationship Hero can... Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be the dutiful son be neither severe nor.... Her the best just counter their view with your partner that you can not always choose your family over.! To spend time with your in-laws if youre living in the category `` Analytics '' to. And mental as well with their parents and not at all by my side then whats the point of when...

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